Things changed

Excerpts from Sufiah's letters to Farooq (before Farooq returned)

When my (now ex-) husband Farooq returned, everyone was initially excited; after all, our family was finally together again! Up to this point, I'd felt that he had a good relationship with the children.

My kids were enthusiastic about showing their father what they could do, and for my part I hoped that he could provide them with some extra support and inspiration.

I also felt relieved, as by this point I was completely exhausted. I'd had to manage on my own for so many years, and it was nice to not have to worry so much about the children's safety.

But what I didn't expect was for Farooq to almost completely take over the children's upbringing. I was sidelined, even though things had been going well when the children were under my care.

My kids were not happy with this change; Farooq had very little experience with children and it showed. He was extremely impatient and often exploded at them, usually for little or no reason. Farooq focused obsessively on the children's tennis, but because they were already so far ahead academically, this had little impact on their studies.

What made the situation worse was that Farooq was unpredictable; there were many times when he'd behave like a kind and considerate gentleman, but then there were also the occasions when he would act like a brutal and oppressive dictator.

This made the atmosphere at home very tense, as my children and I never knew what to expect from Farooq. Meanwhile, though Sufiah did not say much about her father and was rarely the target of his outbursts, she must have bottled up her hurt and anger at his behaviour. (Iskander's note: Sufiah's non-confrontational nature often made it hard to gauge her feelings and opinions.)

A no-win situation

All this gave me a huge dilemma, as I'd spent so long struggling just to try to give my children a good life, and I wasn't emotionally prepared to battle with my own husband. I also feared what would happen if I tried to leave Farooq. This put me in a no-win situation.

So I tried to compromise by encouraging Farooq to change his ways, and while he'd usually just ignore me, sometimes he acknowledged the fact that he needed to change. Farooq would then apologise to both the children and me and promise to improve. But he'd invariably forget his promise after a few months and go back to his old ways.

Farooq's actions took a toll on my health and self-esteem, especially as I was deprived of most of my usual activities with the children, and for a while I felt despondent.

I still took care of Iskander's education, though; and Zuliekha was born about a year after Farooq returned, so she and Iskander became my main focus. But at this point I had very little say when it came to my other kids' upbringing.

After Zuleikha was born, she and Iskander became my main focus

My children continued to do well in their studies and in tennis, but they were not as happy and Farooq's behaviour seemed to be slowly draining their abilities as well as their enjoyment of learning. Overall, I felt that Farooq actually had a negative effect on my children's education, in that they probably would have done better without him.